How We Navigate Phones & Social Media With Our Tween and Teen

Recently on Instagram I mentioned that there aren’t a lot of online conversations happening among parents of tweens and teens regarding phones and social media, and how you choose to navigate those things as a parent. And honestly, there’s not a lot of talk happening in person about these things either.  When I asked if people would be interested in me writing a blog post about how my husband and I are navigating this season, many of you said yes.  So, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, and let’s have us an open and judgment-free chat.  I’ll share first.

Many of you have “known me” since my kids were in elementary school.  I’ve been writing and sharing snippets of our home and family life here on this blog since 2011.  And my babies are now 12 and 14, or more accurately, almost 13 and 15.

What I’ve noticed as my kids have gotten older is that the sharing of stories and parenting experiences that happens with ease between moms starts to come to a halt as your kids enter middle school.  This could be a blog post in and of itself really, and I think there are lots of reasons this happens.  Some issues are just too hard to talk about in the short intervals you have to chat with another mom while there are no other children present.  And some issues feel too heavy, too personal or like you’re violating your child’s privacy by sharing with another parent.

However, I think the subject of navigating cell phones and social media with our tweens and teens needs to be something we feel open to talk about with each other.  I think what often holds us back from having these conversations is fear of judgment.  But there’s no rule book or playbook here.  We’re pioneers, the first generation of parents to navigate the social media frontier.  And we really need to ditch the fear, ditch the judgment and open up about how we’re managing.

So today I’m going to share how my husband and I are doing this phone thing with our kids.  And in case you didn’t already know, I’m not a child psychologist or a parenting expert.  I’m just a mom trying to do my best.

 Our Family’s Cell Phone Rules

When my son was in 4th grade I was surprised to discover that a few of his classmates had cell phones.  And while it’s so easy to make assumptions, there’s always more to the story.    If there’s one thing I’ve learned thus far, it’s that it’s always better to lead with grace than judgment.

These 4th graders with cell phones had divorced parents who wanted to be able to talk to their children without having to go through the other parent.  As a child of divorce myself, this made total sense to me.

But the reason I bring this up is because seeing these 4th graders with cell phones made my husband and I realize that we needed to decide right then and there when we would allow our own kids to get a phone.  We realized then that it would be better to have a plan in place ahead of time rather than trying to figure things out on the fly.  Starting this parenting discussion early allowed my husband and I time to do some research and come up with a game plan we both felt good about implementing.

• 6th grade  – We decided when my son was in 4th grade that we would allow each of our kids to get a cell phone once they were in 6th grade, which is middle school for us.

We also created a few rules.  In our home having a cell phone is considered a privilege, not a right.  So we have certain standards that we expect our children to follow.

• A 3.0 GPA must be maintained.
• Replacement for loss and repairs for damage are the child’s responsibility.  We want our children to learn to be responsible with their devices, so we make them take ownership for loss and damage.  When screens have cracked and phones have been lost, we’ve had them earn the money to replace their phones either by using whatever funds they may have saved up from holidays and birthdays or by doing extra chores around the house.
• Phones have to be plugged in at 8 pm every night (1 hour before bedtime) and always in the kitchen.  We do not allow our children to keep their phones in their rooms over night.
• Phones may not be used until ready for school, breakfast is eaten and beds are made.

Content Restrictions

I have enabled content restrictions on my kids’ iPhones.  Neither has access to Safari on their phone, and neither has an app store.  If they want to download an app they have to ask my permission, and I have to enter my parental passcode to enable them to do so.

Why did I block Safari?

I don’t want my children to have unsupervised viewing access to all that the internet has to offer.  Pornography abounds on the internet (another topic parents don’t discuss), and I want to protect my children’s innocence and future relationships.  Statistics now show the average age a person first views pornography is 11.  And it’s not surprising given reports that 60% of 10 and 11 year olds have smartphones.  While there are specific content restrictions that can be put in place without disabling Safari, many of those restrictions have loopholes that allow content to pass through; so I personally feel more comfortable with my kids not having a web browser on their phones.   We have computers at home that the kids have access to use in shared public spaces in our home, and I feel that is sufficient.

I know there are many content-control software companies that restrict access and even track searches, but we’ve felt more confident in choosing to disable web browsing on their phones all together.

I realize there may be strong opinions on this.  I’m simply sharing what we’ve chosen for our family at this time.

Allowed Apps

We’ve allowed Spotify, Netflix, Kindle, Group Me, Houseparty, Video Game and Photo Editing Apps.  They also use Google Classroom for school.

Rules Regarding Social Media

We wanted to ease into this new season of parenting kids with phones without overwhelming ourselves or our kids.  Monitoring phone use can feel like a part-time job for a parent, and we didn’t want to bite off more than we were ready to chew.  So we decided that while we’d allow them to have a cell phone in 6th grade, we wouldn’t allow them to have social media until high school (9th grade).  And we have zero regrets about this plan.

Introducing a smartphone in phases like this has made the experience a lot less stressful for us as parents.  The only exception I’ve allowed is with Pinterest, which I personally view as a totally different ball game as compared to other forms of social media.  My daughter enjoys looking up baking recipes, and I’ve allowed her to have her own account.

So at this point in time, my 9th grader has an instagram account and my 7th grader is currently campaigning to get one sooner.  😉  #itsnothappening  #imsuchameanmom

Random Checks

I had mixed emotions about conducting random phone checks at first.  I felt like maybe it was an invasion of privacy.  I mean, I had my own phone line in my bedroom when I was growing up and would talk on the phone with my bedroom door shut all the time.  But the reality is when it comes to all the things that can be done on a cell phone in today’s world, there is just so much more room for things to go awry.  It just isn’t the same as when 12 year old me was gabbing with a boy on my Mickey Mouse phone in my childhood bedroom.   So, I randomly and without warning have my kids give me their phones, so that I can review their text messages, call logs and in the case of my son, his Instagram account.

There have been times in our community when parents have been made aware that threats have been made by students on social media.  And there have been two physical fights at my son’s high school this year that were initially instigated on Instagram.  So I’m of the opinion, that it’s a good idea to do more than just follow your teens social media account.  By checking his account on his phone I’m able to go in to his DMs and make sure everything is on the up and up.  It’s about safety over privacy, and I honestly think my kids are glad that I check in on them.  They have never complained about me checking their phones.  They’ve complained about having to plug-in at 8 when they don’t go to bed until 9, and they’ve complained about not being able to charge their phones in their bedrooms overnight.  But they have never complained about me checking their phones.

Phone-Free Sunday

Something we’ve started as a family this year is taking a day once a week to hit the reset button.  The kids are completely phone-free from the time they plug in on Saturday evening until they are ready for school on Monday morning.  And I have my phone, but I stay off social media on Sunday.  My husband, who does not have any social media accounts, just generally spends less time on his phone.

Sundays have become truly restful for our family as we’ve enjoyed having this weekly distraction-free time together.  We take family bike rides and long walks together, play games, watch movies and just generally enjoy each other’s company.

General Musings

We have open discussions about the importance of exercising discernment when it comes to who you allow to have influence in your life.  Even before my son was allowed to have an Instagram account I would talk with both of my kids about how Instagram allows you to be the editor of your feed.  You control who you follow, and you should take the role of choosing who to follow very seriously.

My hope is that while they’re still living under our roof they learn some basic principles about how to monitor their own screen time, manage time spent on social media and set-up regular breaks for themselves.  Some day they’ll be on their own and they won’t have a parent around to tell them it’s time to plug in and take a rest from their phone.  And I hope they’ll have an easier time setting boundaries for themselves because they’ve learned some good basic strategies here at home.  I’m trying to lead by example.

I don’t believe there’s a right way or a wrong way to navigate this new parenting frontier.  But I do believe this is an important conversation.  And I hope this post inspires you to start talking.