I’ve gone back and forth deciding whether or not I should hit the publish button on this one. It’s real, it’s raw and it’s not about diy or design………so it makes me really nervous to put it out there. But if we keep all the real hard stuff to ourselves, well what’s the point in that? If we never share the issues we’ve dealt with there’s no chance of ever helping someone else. I believe this thing called womanhood is a sisterhood. And if there’s anything I really want to do in life it’s lifting other woman up so that they can see themselves for the beautifully unique women that they are.
Last summer while we were on vacation, my 7 year old daughter came bouncing down the hall into the bedroom, sporting her brand new bathing suit with a giant smile on her face and said, “Momma, look how cute I look in my new bathing suit!”
She looked adorable; it really was a super cute suit and I loved the bright coral color…….but I couldn’t help but think to myself…………”When was the last time I thought I looked cute in a bathing suit?”
In that moment, while she was thrilled with her new bathing suit and excited about heading down to the beach for the day, I was trying to work up the nerve to put on my bathing suit and I wasn’t nearly as pumped about the idea as she was.
That day at the beach I just kept trying to think back and remember a time when I wasn’t self conscious about how I looked in a bathing suit……….back to a time when I wore a bathing suit with confidence…………was there ever a time that I looked at my body and didn’t see the imperfections?
That’s when I realized something that totally changed my perspective and the way I feel about my body.
I’ve never, not ever……..at least I can’t remember a time…………thought that I looked good in a bathing suit.
Even as a teenager…………..when my stomach was flat with no stretch marks and extra skin…………… and my B cups stood up rather than drooped down………………. and my inner thighs didn’t touch when I walked……….. and my under arms didn’t flap like bird wings…………….even then, when my body was near perfect (according to our current society’s ideal)…………even then, I didn’t think that I looked cute in a bathing suit.
I’ve never thought of myself as insecure………..or as someone with body image issues…………………..and yet I had never felt confident in a bathing suit?
I didn’t hate my body……..but I didn’t love it either. I didn’t see a perfect body when I looked in the mirror. I saw problem areas………things I wish I didn’t have…….things I wish I could trade in……..God, can you take some of my behind and put it up in my chest area? ………..that would help to even things out a little better.
The innocence and enthusiasm in my 7 year old’s “look how cute I look” statement made me pause…….made me think…….made me wonder………..someday will she stop seeing her body as cute in a bathing suit? At what age will her excitement to put on a bathing suit turn into insecurity? Is this something every girl will face as they grow up?
I want her to love her body. I want her to be confident in her body. I want her to take care of her body. I want her to respect her body. I want her to know and claim that she is indeed wonderfully and beautifully made. I want her to know that she is not defined by her body or outward appearance but by her character.
And then I realized………all those things I want for her……………how can I want them for her if I don’t have or claim them for myself?
I realized that the best thing I could do for her was to lead by example. I realized that I’d spent almost 20 years wishing that my body looked differently. I’d wasted 20 years not loving this body that God had given to me, and I decided time was too precious to waste……………. now was the time to start loving my body just the way it is.
It’s easier said than done. It’s not easy to look in the mirror and not see all the imperfections……….all the ways you don’t look like the photoshopped woman on the cover of a magazine………….but I’m done comparing myself to an ideal that isn’t based in reality. I’m done with any comparisons at all. I’m done with any kind of thinking that equates skinny with healthy. Skinny doesn’t equal healthy. Skinny also isn’t the answer to loving your body or finding confidence in your body.
Almost 14 years ago, when I got married to my husband I was 102 pounds (I’m 5’3″) and a size zero……………and I was the farthest thing from healthy. I ate fast food all the time. I drank coke like it was going out of style. I never exercised. I would get sick all the time. I was skinny…………….. and I was definitely not healthy. What’s funny is that even then, when I was at my skinniest, I didn’t think I looked good in a bathing suit.
Today, the skin on my stomach is wrinkly and saggy (but I had the honor of carrying two beautiful children), my B cups have seen better days (but I breastfed two babies and I still have two healthy cancer free breasts) and my inner thighs touch when I walk (but I have two legs to play soccer with my son, to hula hoop with my daughter and to dance with my husband). I eat real food. I hate soda. I exercise. I’m a healthy weight for my height (126 lbs).
Today, I am healthy…………….and I love my body!
In my adulthood, I’ve ranged in size from 0 to 10, and my weight has fluctuated between 102 lbs and 146 lbs. There’s never been a magic number or size. It was this realization that truly opened my eyes – I didn’t need to change my body, I needed to change my way of thinking.
I don’t have a “perfect” body………..but I have the perfect body for me.
And I’m truly thankful that at the age of 35 I’ve finally learned to love my body, and I have the sweetest 7 year old girl to thank for that lesson. Thank you God for the privilege of raising one of your daughters.
I may not be brave enough to bare my naked body on the internet, but I am brave enough to openly support a woman who is.
I could stand up and clap!!! Thank you for this post.
i love this post, and having a daughter i relate completely. sunday emmy and i went shopping for clothes- i needed new spring clothes as it had been just too long. she wanted me to try on these denim shorts at j crew. i HATE how i have looked in shorts all my life, but here was my sweet 7 year old girl wanting me to try them on because they were just like hers. so i did it. and frankly, all the running i have been doing has helped and i wasn't horrified, but emmy was with me in the fitting room. she looked at me and said "mommy, you look beautiful in those shorts." i bought them and two other pairs because i wanted her to see me as confident and happy with how i looked. that matters so much more to me than how i actually look in them…. i feel good, strong, and healthy, and i want emmy to feel the same. it took me a LONG time to get here in life. i love my mom, but she NEVER wore shorts and hated her legs. i struggled with eating disorders in my young adulthood, and was an unhealthy skinny, too. but now, i am an adult who takes care of my body and my body takes care of me- there is so much to be said for that. and i want to show my daughter that it's about that relationship between mind and body nurturing one another, not beating each other up. i know i just wrote a novel, but this hit home today because of this recent experience with emmy. thank you for sharing and publishing- love you and your beautiful soul and your beautiful self!
I hope you don't mind but I shared your entire post on my Face Book wall. It is a powerful message. Thank you for your honesty and insight.
Thank you!!
I could just hug your neck!!! As a mom to now two adult daughters (20 and 24), I can promise any mother the best thing you can do for your daughters is to love yourself. I too struggled, and continue to struggle at times, with my "perception" of my body. But, when you have teen girls who start mimicking you- "this makes me look fat, I couldn't possibly wear that" and don't EVEN mention swimsuit shopping!!! You receive a great big wake up call!!! And, it is not only girls…boys can have the same issues. For me, it is about being healthy. I struggled as you did with food issues and feeling crappy for years. I am finally healthy. And, if a gluten free/paleo way of eating (not diet) is the reason for it…I will continue. I think we as women need to realize that the pictures in the magazines, in the movies, and swimsuit issues are NOT reality for most. And for some of those who are really fit, they spend a lot of precious time sweating it out in the gym while someone else is looking after and playing with their children. I am not saying a mom can't work out, be fit, and be a good mom. But when it becomes obsessive just to look a certain way in a bathing suit, then it is definitely not for me. I think it is high time we encourage one another, where we are right now!! Life is hard enough, time to short to be worrying about what someone might think of us in a bathing suit. And, I will never forget something Dr. Phil said on his show once. He said, "if we only knew how little someone was actually thinking about how we looked, we would quit beating ourselves up!" As it turns out, everyone has something they are self conscious about. Let learn to embrace those things. They are after all the thing God gave us to make us individuals not robots!!!
Thank you so much for sharing! The older my girl gets the more I realize just how much she watches me.
Oh my goodness – thank you! I'm honored that you shared it, and I hope more people join this movement!
Thank you! Hugging you right back!
Carmel, thank you for your honesty. I think a lot of women are in the same boat. We can never meet society's standard, so why not just meet our own standard. Thank you again!
Thank you so much for this! I, just like you, have never felt comfortable in a bathing suit, even when I too was only 100lbs. I have 1 daughter with another on the way and I need to change my mind set ASAP, and this post definitely gave me the courage to do so 🙂 PS – you look great!
So spot on, C. I'm so right there with you though Quinn's only 2.5. I see the joy on her face when she dresses up & sees herself. When was the last time I looked like that upon seeing my reflection?! Or upon uploading a selfie to IG lol?!? We teach these little gals to be kind to others & I hope we can teach them by example to be kind to themselves.
xoxo
I loved this post! I have recently lost 50lbs because of the horrible self esteem Ive carried all my life. It took me a year of hard work to figure out just what you said. I didn't know that I was not defined by my body or outward appearance but by my my character. Thanks for this!
Well said, Carmel…I absolutely love this post, and really needed it right now! Thanks, my gorgeous friend!
Wonderful post! I have an 8 year old who constantly tells me that I am so beautiful (she's just sweet that way), and I find myself always wanting to correct her and point out my flaws instead of just say "thank you". Good reminder!
Simply beautiful! Thank you for sharing this, there are a lot of us out there that feel the exact same way.
Thank you so much for this post! I, too, can't remember a time that I felt good in a bathing suit and constantly say to myself without hesitation "Ugh, I look fat in these jeans". The word "fat" comes out of my mouth far too often. And even though I know that I am far from "fat", I still can't seem to shake using the f-word. Now with a 7 month old daughter in tow, my goal for myself is not to expose her to that negative thinking. She is beautiful inside and out, just as we all are! Thank you again for that wonderful reminder 🙂
This is beautiful!! I've been good about not letting my daughter hear how unhappy I am with my body, but I know she can still see it in my face. I always want her to know how beautiful she is and will be. I don't ever want her to feel the way I felt about my body at a young age. Thank you for the beautiful reminder 🙂
This is amazing Carmel! I don't have any children, yet, but whenever I complain about my body my husband is always quick to remind me that I need to be more confident now so that I can be an example to them. It also helps when a gorgeous woman like you shares that she also has insecurities and has to work on their confidence as well, because I think you look amazing! Thank you! 🙂
So encouraging- since I am 9 months pregnant and I am starting to wonder if I will ever feel normal again. 🙂 But I get the honor of carrying a little man, and then raising him. I love how you translate this for your daughter. I think I have the same responsibility raising two boys- to show them what it looks like for women to respect their own bodies and be confident. After all, my hope is that they find these women someday- and I am that role model! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! So glad to hear that and congrats to you!
Beautifully written, I so agree and celebrate you and your love of your own body, bravo friend!
Carmel! I have been reading your blog for about 8 months and just recently formed my own–very much a newbie to blogging! I loveee this post though! Being a mid 20s gal I am so glad you put this out there because it is a battle all women fight no matter what age. I shared with all of my girl co-workers and it brought many of them to tears! Again,Thank you so much for putting this out there! I am a faithful follower and love all of your posts!! 🙂
Such a brilliant post and one that many of us women can relate to. I have two beautiful daughters who both at time struggle with body image, yet they are stunning and healthy. We are our own worst enemies.
X x
Thank you for deciding to hit enter when it came to publish this post. I've read your blog for over a year now and this is the very first time I've commented. I have severe crohn's and am constantly going on and off of prednisone which has helped to wreck havoc on my body to the point where I no longer recognize or like myself anymore. Just reading your post has helped to put that into perspective for me… Thank you!
This post hits so close to home… not because I have a daughter (yet) be be confident for, but because I was a little girl with a self conscious mom (whom I look identical to) who hated her curly hair, nose, weight, height… everything.
And since I was very young I have hated all those things about myself. I'm 5'8",130 lbs, and my husband call me beautiful, but when I look in the mirror every morning all I see are the flaws – the crooked nose, the frizzy hair, the chunky middle. Why? Because I grew up idolizing my mom. If there was something wrong with her, and I look just like her, there must be something wrong with me too then, right?
It's something I fight every single day. Thank you for being so upfront with your struggles! It's inspiring to know that I'm not alone in how I feel or how I want to fight it!
YAY for you!! I too can not, for the life of me, remember the last time I liked how I looked in a bathing suit. For so long, I have hated everything that had to do with "bathing suit season". Then last year, at the ripe old age of 40, when we had a trip to Hawaii planned, and I wasn't a single-digit size, I said "Screw it!" I was not going to let the fear of what complete strangers could potentially be thinking about when I was on the beach in Hawaii in my XL bathing suit. I was going, all (hanging) out! I decided to not give a crap about what other people may, or may not, be thinking when I was on the beach. Because in reality, they probably would be too busy having fun and enjoying Hawaii to care about the XL woman in her XL suit. And I honestly can say, I went and lived in my suits, and enjoyed a great week with my gorgeous husband and our best friends, and didn't think twice about what anyone thought. And once we got home, and I went to the beach with my MIL and SIL (who are both a size 7), and instead or spending the day worrying about how I looked in my suit, I spent the day jumping over waves with my son, and collecting sea shells with my daughter and building sand castles with my niece and nephew. Because it may have taken 40 year to do it, but I stopped caring about what others may think, and started caring about how I was spending this time with my family!
So well said, sweet friend!!! And so hard to read….you are the most gorgeous person I've ever seen in real life…and to think you have (had) insecurities, just reenforces the notion to me, that we are hardest on ourselves. We don't see ourselves clearly. I see things in myself that no one else does. Having a daughter watching me, learning from me, has changed my ways, too. Love you, friend!
Thank you for having the courage to post this, and thank you for the link to the "Embrace" documentary. As a 24 year old who can NEVER EVER remember EVER liking my body in any form or fashion, I needed this today. I want to learn to love and appreciate my body for what it is and what it does for me daily. You have inspired at least one woman with this post. So again, a very big thank you!
I watched that video the other day – so powerful. I think about my daughters learning from what I say about myself all the time, and am always careful not to say negative things in front of them. But you;re right that the bigger issue may be that I'm thinking them. Really loved reading this 🙂
Wonderful post, Carmel!!!!!!!!!!
This is AMAZING and couldn't have come at a better time for me. I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in August and have been struggling with my body since then. I was just looking at myself in the mirror this morning, judging my body as tomorrow will be the first time i will be in a bathing suit in front of others. After reading this, i am definitely going to change my way of thinking, not just for me, but for my daughter as well! Thanks so much for sharing, i love all of your posts, but i always enjoy the ones where you talk about "real" stuff! 🙂
Amen! Could not agree more. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this!! It's brave and courageous of you to speak up and recognize that we all struggle with these insecurities. You are beautiful and amazing and I am glad that you are becoming more comfortable being you! Your daughter will see that and grow up to continue to love herself!! 🙂
Great post, Carmel! I think your daughter has caught more than has been taught about her body image through the positive mind/body/spirit you emanate. You are further along than you think. Enjoy the summer and OWN it!
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this post! I too have been struggling with this issue lately so you are definitely not alone. I'm only 5' tall and although I'm "skinny," I have never truly been confident in my body. I have a 15 month old daughter now and less time to exercise and focus on myself. I'm not as toned as I once was, my boobs aren't perky anymore after nursing, and I'm even still sporting a faint line down my belly. Being in a bathing suit… well, I haven't been thrilled about it. Your post has really helped me see that in reality, there is no perfect body, and I need to stop being insecure and instead embrace that I have a beautiful healthy daughter and that I am still healthy myself. I know that one day she will look up to me and I need to start being more confident now! Thank you for being such an inspiring person. I really do love your blog.
Great post Carmel. Always remember, there are so many people who read your blog every day and envy you, and wish they looked like you, or could be like you, or had half the talent you have. You are beautiful! I am so glad you have come to this realization about your body!
Great post! Bathing suit season always brings up this kind of stuff. I have a 1 year old and am at my heaviest weight ever. I wasn't really insecure in my body until recently and I realized I started having a lot of negative self talk about my body right after the baby was born. I have to remind myself that my body carried a baby, is still breast feeding, and has carried me through many other challenges. Our daughters see how we view our bodies and I only want my daughter to see me viewing my body as strong and capable. I may still be at my heaviest weight, but I will never speak a negative word about it because little eyes are watching.
Carmel this might be the best blog post ive ever written. It absolutely touched home. My daughter is 11 and she has begun to develop insecurities about her body. Shes absolutely gorgeous but all she sees are faults. It breaks my heart to hear her say she has "fat" thighs or she hates that shes so tall. She wants to wear shorts over her bathing suit because she says she feels too exposed in bathing a suit bottom. She's lean as a pole and athletic, and I tell her these are the things she will appreciate as she gets older. I wish her happy innocence and ignorance of self image was still around, but as a middle schooler Im afraid those days are long gone:( Everytime I look in the mirror and even attempt to find the fault in my body I think of my little girl and remember that even when I don't think shes near, shes not far away and I make myself think of 3 things I love about my body. I want her to know women are the heart of the world. we are gorgeous, and strong, and we bring life. There's nothing more amazing than that. We come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and we are all flawed.
I needed this. Thank you for sharing. I struggle with self-image as I've gotten older and packed on pounds due to a thyroid and meds. I am who I am and need to embrace it. One way or another.
I love this so much! And am so happy you decided to click the publish button because it was so well said.
thank you thank you thank you! You have no idea how good this post makes me feel. How right you are. We've let ourselves be haunted by an image that isn't real, an image created by men with computers and an urge to sell sell sell.
I could stand up and clap!!! Thank you for this post.