Every now and again I take a break from writing about style and design to share something from my heart, today is one of those days.
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It was career day at my daughter’s school a couple of weeks ago. And the whole thing really got me thinking……….
Like most mothers, I remember the exact moment each of my children were born like it was yesterday. With my first born, they laid him on my chest and I could literally feel my whole entire universe change in that very moment. That’s really the only way I can describe what it was like to meet my son for the first time. It was like all of a sudden my life was no longer about me at all. It was a change no one else probably noticed, but I felt this overwhelming joy coupled with massive responsibility.
I left the hospital feeling all the emotions.
Three weeks in and I felt like I had been lied to.
I never actually wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wasn’t raised by a stay at home mom. In fact, I was the first in my family to have the option of being financially able to stay home with my babies. So bear in mind that I write all of this with a grateful heart, knowing full well that I’m beyond blessed to even have had the option to rearrange some things in order for me to choose to stay home instead of going back to work.
Though as a teenager I distinctly remember thinking that being a stay at home mom was only something that rich people did but was probably boring, and it definitely seemed like a complete and total waste of my potential. I thought, “I’m not busting my bootie to get good grades, so that I can graduate from college and stay home with babies.” And looking back now, no wonder I thought that. My generation of women was raised on the mantra “we can do it all”. We were raised to dream big because gosh darn it we could actually have it all! And for me, as a second generation American, affording me opportunities and advantages they never had is why my grandparents and parents worked so hard. So I was going to make something of myself because frankly I owed it to them.
Choosing to stay home after my son was born felt like I had given up on the dream. How does the first person in her family to graduate from college end up at home raising babies?! I honestly felt like a failure for choosing this life.
But really, what does having it all look like? What does having it all actually mean? Is having it all what we even want?
I think we need to change the conversation for the generation of women we’re raising.
The question shouldn’t be “What do you want to be when you grow up?” It should be “What do you want your life to look like?” And then, and here’s the most important part of this whole thing…….we need to teach them to support each other in their choices.
Staying home isn’t giving up, and working shouldn’t be something a woman should be guilt ridden over.
We have got to stop judging each other, so that they don’t grow up to judge each other.
If a woman has a nanny, high five her. Don’t roll your eyes.
If a woman drops her kid off at school in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, raise your coffee and nod to her. Don’t clack your heels off on the pavement and give her an ugly look.
We need to stop lying to young girls. They need to know that going after their dreams will probably mean making some sacrifices along the way. Women can have it all; just not all at the same time.
It needs to be okay for a woman to opt out of being a mother all together, and women ought to be able to take a good long paid maternity leave. That’s not a socialist idea. That’s common sense.
It needs to be okay for a woman to pave her own way. We need to spend more time educating our daughters on their career options. Those of us that are bloggers, designers, freelance writers, social media gurus, Etsy sellers, etc………we’re pioneers turning our creative passions into businesses and working from home, and career day needs our participation.
We need to let each woman define for herself what “having it all” looks like. Because no woman should feel guilty about choosing to stay home, choosing to work or choosing to do a little of both. Does a father feel guilty about not attending a PTA meeting? Or about missing a class party? Or about having to travel overnight for work? Or about not making a healthy meal for the family? Or not having time to mop the floors? Or to get all the laundry done? I’m not man bashing. I’m just wondering. Why are we allowing all the guilt to rest on our shoulders?
I don’t want that for my daughter. I want her to carve out her best life and live it without a sliver of guilt. I want her to picture what she wants for her life and work towards that without worrying about being judged for her choices. Because having it all shouldn’t feel like a burden and really, it should be less about having it all and more about having what you want. Watching my daughter put on an apron and baker’s hat for career day, I realized that my grandmother worked so hard so that I could have choices……choices that she never had. And there should be no guilt in choosing to do what makes you happy.
Carmel, you have no idea how much I needed this post today. I am a new homeowner and a new wife. I have a career for which I went to college. I am constantly bombarded with questions of when I’m having kids, or why I haven’t had them yet. But nobody ever actually asks me what I WANT. People often assume everyone’s lives follow the same path. Bless you for passing on such a powerful message to your daughter and to her class. You can be a powerful woman (or person) simply by being powerful. Whether you stay home, work from home, work part-time or full-time, we are all equal, and should support each other. We shouldn’t be forced to choose the path we think is “right” or “accepted” and we shouldn’t be expected to know that path before the time is right. You are proving to be a wonderful example to your children by breaking the mold. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us, and for instilling them in your family.