I wrote this post a few weeks ago, and then it sat waiting to be published. It’s a hard one to put out there as it touches on some hot button women’s issues.
On the way home from school a little over a month ago, I realized something that kind of took my breath away. My son is going to be 10 years old in May. 10! Holy. crazy. how in the world?!?!?! If he’s off to college at 18, that means I’m over the half way mark! The first ten years flew by so fast. How much faster are the next 8 going to go? I don’t know if it was the song on the radio (Meant to Live by Switchfoot) or if it was listening to the silly conversation going on between my kids and their friend in the backseat but my heart began to ache a little bit.
Becoming a mother wasn’t an easy thing for me. It took almost 2 years to get pregnant with my son. I can’t even begin to tell you how many tears I cried thinking that maybe this dream wasn’t meant to be. And then that glorious day my doctor said, “You’re pregnant!” my whole entire world changed.
I never imagined myself being a stay at home mom. I never had any intentions of staying home, but when the time came to go back to work it just didn’t feel right for me.
I’ve had so many people reply with, “Oh, that’s nice and easy” when they ask me what I do and I say, “I’m a stay at home mom”.
And as the daughter of a working mother, I completely understand that reply and hardly ever take offense. Even though I know that response is a little misguided.
We’ve divided up into teams haven’t we – stay at home moms vs. working moms?
But the truth is, we’re all on the same team…………we’re all moms. And while there are probably many working mothers that find humor in the some ecard pictured above, it’s not exactly true is it? You can’t really be both a stay at home mom and a full time working mom. Can a full time working woman also be a great mother? Absolutely, I was raised by one. But to work outside the home means making some sacrifices. You just can’t be in two places at one time even if you work from home, so you sacrifice being a classroom volunteer or the field trip chaperone in order to do your job. Or maybe you choose one or two school activities a year to attend in order to balance out the ones you’ll have to miss because you’re working. You hire or find help whether it be via daycare or a family member that can take care of your child while you work. Maybe you divvy up the household chores or the extra-curricular chauffeuring duties with your spouse to make juggling the parenting gig with the working gig a bit more bearable. Maybe you hire a housekeeper or a live-in nanny……..you find a way to juggle things and you make compromises. But no one woman (or man for that matter) does it all.
I won’t pretend to know what’s it’s like to stay up with a sick child until 3 am and then have to get dressed for an important work meeting at 6 am. In the same way that a working mother probably doesn’t know what it’s like to never get a reprieve from their children. When my children were toddlers there were definitely days when I wished that I got a lunch break, just like I’m sure there are working mothers that wish they could stay in their pajamas ’til noon. We almost always wish for or glamorize what we don’t have………it’s that whole grass is greener thing rearing it’s ugly head isn’t it?
The thing is………..I think the best mothers are happy mothers. Whatever it is that makes you happy – working or staying home or working from home or working part time or working part time from home – is what you should do. To me that’s what feminism is all about – women supporting women being the best version of themselves doing whatever it is that makes them happiest. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I think when you’re happy you’re better able to love and care for the people in your life.
Is being a stay at home mom easy? I guess that really depends on what your definition of easy is. Sure, there are days that do feel easy, and then there are days that make me wish I had a do-over button to push. Some days are a success, and some are complete fails.
For me, being that my own parents got divorced when I was a teenager, staying home was a huge leap of faith. And if I’m being totally honest, it still is. This decision to stay home wasn’t made lightly, it certainly has never felt like an “easy” decision and it’s one that I wrestle with constantly. Every now and then I feel a little anxious. There’s a little bit of fear lingering that one day this decision to stay home to raise my kids is going to implode. Walking away from the work force for an extended period of time in order to spend time serving your family doesn’t exactly look that great on a resume. But this is what God has asked me to do. My husband’s job is demanding, time consuming and requires a great deal of travel. I believe my kids need to have one parent that is always available for them. I don’t begrudge my husband. I’m happy to do my part; we’re a team. But there are days when I worry that since the job I’m doing has zero financial worth that I’m making a mistake………….that I’m wasting my college education…………….that I’m setting a bad example for my daughter by being at home instead of crafting out some amazing career for myself showing her that a woman can do anything she sets out to do…………….that I’m setting my son up for possible marital failure by living by these old school gender roles…………and that’s just me being honest about my fears.
I’ve always considered “stay at home mom” a job title. I’m a task oriented person, and I believe in hard work. I’ve also felt like it was a calling…………..and I definitely pull a great deal away from the story of Jonah in the Bible. This calling hasn’t been an easy one for me at all, and yet it’s been so very rewarding.
Starting this blog has been a wonderful outlet with my kids in school during the day. Watching this little blog slowly turn into a small business of sorts has been rewarding in ways I never thought possible. It’s allowed me to remain available to my family but also to work………although I doubt “blogger” would garner much praise or approval on a resume. The opportunities it’s brought my way have been really exciting.
When I was asked to be the home editor at The Chic Site I was so pumped and beyond thrilled to join such a fabulous group of women! I mean, “Home Editor” just sounds fancy does it not……a whole lot fancier than “Executive Laundry Officer”. I completely loved what I was writing about over there, loved being a part of a team and attending online meetings. Working for someone as amazing as Rachel Hollis was kind of a pinch-myself-how-did-this-happen-to-me type of situation. Writing for The Chic felt more like a job than wearing my blogger hat does. I very much enjoyed feeling like a “working mom”. The thing is, taking on the responsibilities of being The Chic’s home editor while continuing to write for my own blog became more than a full time job. All the while I was still trying to do all of the stay at home mom things I have always done. However, you just can’t work a full time job from 8 am to 2 pm. Trying not to work when my kids were home from school became impossible if I was going to continue doing projects, blogging and writing for The Chic. I found myself working a lot at night taking away from time with my husband, rushing through after school activities and bedtime conversations, and I started having to say no to volunteering at my kids’ school.
I kept shoving that small voice down………..the one that was trying to tell me that this situation wasn’t working for my family……………………….the one that was trying to tell me it’s not about doing it all; it’s about doing your best at all you can do.
I was allowing my fears to take over, abandoning where my heart is and what truly makes me happy in order to quench the flames of worry, pushing myself to be what I think I should be rather than being what God’s called me to be.
Right now, at this moment in my life, I need to do and give my best at my first and most important job.
I need to own my most important title – “stay at home mom”, and I need to fearlessly rock at that job!
So that’s what I’m going to do……………..because I’d rather not get swallowed by a whale. 😉
I’ve decided after much thought to hang up my fancy “home editor” job title, and I feel really good about that tough decision because I know it’s the right one for me and my family. I’ll still be blogging here at Our Fifth House, where I have the leisure to blog whenever, about whatever and only if I have the extra time.
Whether you believe in God or in callings, I think all of us women struggle with this idea that we need to do it all, at least I know I’ve struggled with this, but I’m learning that I can do it all………I just can’t do it all at the same time. And I’m navigating through what that means for my life.
Are you wrestling with any nagging fears in your life?
Thank you for this honest post. I am a long time reader but first time writing here. This fear is something i grapple with everyday when things get overwhelming and i want to quit(I am a part-time work-from-home mom of two kids, 6 & 3). I wonder if my kids will assume that is the role of a woman, in the house and not outside. Kudos to you for finding the courage to do what makes you happy and in turn keeps your family happier.
Btw, i love all your projects. Inspired by your Ikat curtains i made one curtain panel ( ofcourse i still haven't found time to finish the second one). Thank you for keeping it real and for the inspiration.